Wedding season has arrived, and my mailbox is splitting at the seams with a bevy of color-cooridnated invites. A lingere shower here... a bridal tea there... all leading up to the main event: The Great White Wedding.
I’m in my early twenties... so needless to say, I go to a lot of these things. The first few weren’t so bad, (I think my eyes even got watery once,) but now I’m past the point of cynicism. It’s not the 50 percent divorce rate or even the five extra pounds I’ve packed on from the reception buffet line... it’s the spiritual part of the ceremony that’s wearing me down.Don’t get me wrong-- I love God, but how many times can you hear some man in a mu-mu tell your friend to “submit” to her husband before you lose it?
I thought I had seen the worst of it last summer-- the bride didn’t make it to the altar before the minister stopped her in her tracks, blamed “women’s lib” for “destroying marriage in America,” and charged her to “do right” by “obeying”--but I was sadly mistaken.
The wedding that made me bluest of all happened a few weeks ago. The minister officiating heads up a local “mega church,” and I’d heard he’s quite progressive... so imagine my shock when we get to the vows and he goes all Ephesians 5:22 on me! Sure, I saw it coming, what with it being a protestant wedding and all, but never in my life had I heard someone put it like he did...
“A woman’s greatest need,” he told the groom, “is to be LOVED. That is what she needs from you most.”
“A man’s greatest need,” he assured my friend, “is to be RESPECTED. Respect his leadership and his authority in your home and you will have a happy life.”
My boyfriend nearly choked on his gum. It was all we could talk about on the way to the reception... “I don’t need your love,” he joked, “just as long as you respect me.”
In God’s eyes... in the eyes of each other... are we not equal? What I heard that minister say wasn’t demeaning to women... it was cruel toward men. What kind of an egomaniac needs RESPECT more than LOVE from a lover? A partner? What kind of “Godly” framework does this kind of thinking set up for the rest of their married lives?
I’ve never been married, but I’ve been in enough weddings to know that what the bride says goes... One of my best friends actually insisted the minister skip the whole submission downer... but for the most part, women are willing participants in this time honored, oppressive conceptual framework that denies their very worth as partners, and as humans.
(I could go on for days.)
The bottom line is this: so many “traditional” parts of a wedding really need to be re-examined. I realize that I have no right to impose my beliefs on someones taffeta fantasy, but I do hope that some people will wake up and take a good hard look at the oaths they’re about to make before God. Maybe they’ll remember who they are AND who they fell in love with... and maybe next time the “something blue” at the wedding won’t be me.
